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september skies

Every year I try to write down some thoughts about September 11th. These entries used to go on my personal blog, but since I’ve merged that one back into my creative blog, my thoughts will go here. If you visit my space for crafty inspiration and don’t feel comfortable reading about this topic, check out some pretty pictures here. My next post will be about pickles, so there’s that.

Beautiful, bright, blue September skies. You know what I’m talking about. You can see them in your head. I don’t need to post a picture of them. These skies make me feel good inside. Joyful. Hopeful. In awe of Mother Nature and Science and God all wrapped up together.

They also make me think of terrorist attacks. I really hate that.

I suppose there’s some excuse that can be made for September skies. We should look for beauty and love even in the midst of sadness and horror. They lift up our hearts when we’re feeling our lowest. Maybe they’re supposed to give us peace when we need it most. I don’t know. All I know is that they make me remember.

Never Forget.

It’s the most overused tagline of the last decade. I find it demanding and bossy. How dare you tell me with your poorly photoshopped bald eagle, American flag and Twin Towers graphic to never forget. Who do you think you are?

I know you have good intentions. You don’t want me to forget the innocent lives lost on that day, the heroes who did so much good that day, the men and women who fight and die for our freedom every day. I get that, but here’s the thing: forgetting isn’t something you have to worry about. I couldn’t even if I tried.

Actually, I was going to try and forget today. I was going to skip this blog post. I was going to avoid television and radio and newspapers and social media, but as soon as I walked outside: BAM. There was that sky.

When I dropped my daughter off at school, she asked why the flag wasn’t all the way up. I looked at her and felt such envy. I know that she will learn about that day and will eventually see videos and images that will break her heart. But she will have one thing that isn’t clouded by the memories of September 11th.

She will always be able to look up at a beautiful, bright, blue September sky and feel good inside with joy and hope and awe for Mother Nature and Science and God all wrapped up together — untainted and pure.

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my words on september 11, 2001

I started writing on the Internet in 2003. It wasn’t until the year after my daughter was born that I started writing about September 11th. Before she was born, I just dealt with the memories on the inside. Since then I’ve realized that some day I’m going to have to talk about all of this with her. Not only am I going to have to explain the historical events, but how that day affected her mom and dad. I’ve been changed forever. Will my words change her forever?

Even though I wasn’t writing online back then, I was active in an online forum. I had stumbled upon this group of people who discussed all kinds of things: politics, life, food and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Really, what more could you ask for in online friends?

They were the ones I spent most of the day with on September 11th. I was alone in my office. News websites weren’t loading. TV reception was horrible. I needed to know what was going on. I needed to talk to other people. Thankfully, they were there, looking for the same things.

Those words are locked as our permanent archive of that day and the day after. Ten years later, I checked to see if they were still there and was transported back to my desk in an office building on 17th and K.

My thoughts are scattered throughout multiple conversations about different topics, but I’m going to try and pull them together for my own historical record. I’m not going to edit them too much for grammar or context. I hope they aren’t too disconnected. They obviously make sense to me. Ten years is a long time, and even though I feel like I remember everything as if it was yesterday, there are details that I don’t want to forget.

I’m in DC. I’m stuck downtown. a few blocks from the White House. it’s major gridlock. my co-worker’s husband works at National. we are getting scary reports of another hijacked plane. I’m shaking. it seems like dream. I’m so glad you all are online. I can’t get through to CNN, MSNBC, nothing. we have the news on, but there are so many rumors. stay in touch!
—
I’m still stuck in DC. things are quieting down. gridlock is over. most places are closed. I’ve got a ride out around 3 pm. checking the forum and watching tv until then.
—
I can’t figure out what this underlying feeling is that I have. I think it is anger. I’m really angry. angry at people who would do this. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. and I don’t know where to direct my anger. I want to cry, but I can’t.
—
a friend’s son is in school right outside of dc. they are staying open normal time. trying to keep some sense of normalcy for the kids. only 4th graders and up have been told what has happened. I think this is a good thing. knowing how numb I feel right now, I can’t even imagine the panic a child would feel.
—
ok, I’m signing off. the mayor has ordered people to evacuate DC so I am catching a ride and will wait for my husband in maryland. good luck to all.
—
low tech weapons? they used a plane full of fuel! where did you all hear about the box cutters? scary. I heard on the news an interesting comment, that made me take pause. we live in a country that is very open. we don’t want security cameras on our street corners, we don’t want a military presence on our streets. as a result, we are vulnerable to these types of attacks. but would you want to live under tighter security and give up other freedoms?
—
jeesh! how can we can protect ourselves against attacks like this? we are still waiting to hear about two more family members in NYC. all day at work I kept thinking, “I can’t wait to be home and watching this on tv instead if it happening down the street.” now that I home, I feel emotionally exhausted. I am so grateful that my husband and I are safe. thanks again to all of the wonderful people on this forum. you’ve all had a very grounding affect on me today. I really appreciate it.
—
I’m back in DC today. 17th and K. it feels bizarre. things look the same but don’t feel the same. the guy who plays the violin by the metro is still there. same homeless people hanging out on the corner. the woman who sells krispy kremes on the corner is still hollering “donuts for sale.” the perimeter around the white house is 18th and I, so I know I am close to things. I don’t ever pass by the pentagon, so its images on tv feel just as unreal as those from new york. I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel flat. deflated. sad. we heard from our cousins in new york. they are safe. thank god!
—
ok, I take back what I said earlier today. I just came back from lunch and there are humvees on every corner along with the National Guard. I don’t know how I am going to get any work done.
—
more evacuation in dc: apparently they evacuated the street down from me (16th I think) around 4 pm because of a bomb scare. I didn’t even know it. a coworker just called me from the street saying it’s crazy gridlock with tons of police down there. how did I not hear about this for two hours?
—
I finally began to release when I saw the guy from Cantor Fitzgerald. before then I was in such a state of denial, nothing seemed real. but now, it is really starting to sink in. I cried a lot last night.

Those words aren’t the only ones I’ve avoided for the past ten years. Downstairs boxed up in the basement with other miscellaneous stuff from our house in Maryland are three magazines — Time, New York and The New Yorker — dated September 24, 2001. Magazines that were purchased, but never read. I think it’s time to get them out. Time to honor the heroes and victims within those pages by reading their stories.

This is going to be a tough week.

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today…

Today I did not watch the news or any special coverage from nine years ago.

Today I gave my daughter extra hugs and kisses.

Today we colored, read books and played with dinosaurs.

Today I told her I loved her at least a million times.

Today I felt fear, sadness, shock, terror and loss all over again.

Today I remembered how our country can unite as Americans.

Today I am grateful for the brave passengers on Flight 93, who may have saved hundreds of lives in Washington, DC (including mine).

Today, and every day, I thank them.

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just some thoughts for today

I hate how it sneaks up on me, almost daily, around this time of year.

I was confirming the day of my hair appointment: “That’s September 11th, correct?”

While paying the mortgage I notice the due date: September 11.

Sometimes it’s really dumb things, like looking at the clock when the time is 9:11.

Walking past the television during the GOP Convention and out of the corner of my eye seeing a plane crash into one of the towers.

Painted on the police car at the stop light: dial 911 for emergencies.

Some things really make me mad. Like hearing a Talking Head on the news say “nine one one” instead of “nine eleven” or “September 11th.” 911 is a phone number not a date. Why is that such a hard concept for some otherwise intelligent people to grasp? No one celebrates Independence Day as “seven four.” No one calls New Year’s Day “one one.” That lack of attention to such a little detail seems hugely disrespectful.

Why do these things bother me so much? Why can’t I look at my watch and just simply think, “It’s eleven minutes after nine o’clock?”

That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. I don’t have an answer and I don’t think there is one.

Maybe they’re little reminders of how lucky we are. Lucky we have each other. Lucky when my husband comes home in the evening. Lucky that a plane didn’t fall out of the sky two blocks from the White House.

There are some things that we do every day since then. We kiss goodnight every night. We say, “I love you!” whenever we leave to do an errand. We never forget that so many people lost loved ones simply because they went to work.

We live more in the present. Sometimes I just sit and soak in my husband and my daughter. I notice the details: their smiles, their hugs. I try to absorb them somehow. Store them inside. Live in the moment. Feel grateful for every day we have and don’t take life for granted.

These are just some thoughts for today.